i met filo in ibiza.
we liked each other and connected.
i think it was about 9-8 years ago,
a few times it happened that i lived with him when arriving to ibiza.
with me he only gave, never asked me for nothing and always offered help, support and a hugs.
he suffered a long time from pain, then about a year ago they discovered he has cancer.
he fought it until yesterday after noon.
i feel thankful for spending some time with him in his last days in this kind of existence.
they gave him 48 hours about 10 days ago,
there are i guess situations when there is no remedy, there is no way back and there is no chance to get out of it,
it is so strange to accept it, to deny our most strong instinct to survive.
to believe that there will not be a miracle and that this is it.
to accept your exit that will always come b4 time.
i feel Filo was in between the two, he kept optimist with all of us, and i heard him say to some of us that he is going out,
jai alle a sortir,
every time i went into the hospital i took a deep breath, and did my best to be happy and cheerful.
yesterday morning i got a call to come and say good by,
i came and felt him, i was quite and then i sang a song for him so he hears.
was with him for a moment alone where i told him that i thank him so much for knowing him,
for learning from him, all this lessons including this possibly last one.
that i love him,
and that it looks to me as if we all went to this party called life, and he just had to go b4 the party was over,
and as soon as my party will be over i will be going to the exact same place he is going to,
that there is nobody that is not going there,
just some stay longer then others.
he was in between worlds, in a transit process, slowly loosing life from his body,
i asked him to let go, i wished for his soul attached to his body to let go and lift of to whatever is there or not.
it was hared for him to breath, i was after almost 2 nights without sleep.
at one point i went to the other room, and sat with the friends,
i felt i’m almost loosing it, my body giving up to the Fatigue.
then i decided to let go and close my eyes a bit,
i did , and after timeless 2 minutes, my friend woke me up and said ‘it’s over’
i got up.
i saw him.. and there was no life in his body.
looked through the window, and saw cars going, people going to parties in ibiza..
more then sad, it all felt very strange,
and another feeling that i can not find the word for.
and not sure if there is a word for it.
felt he is still there.. still around.
after some time i slowly walked out the hospital.. stopped at the edge of the hospital and found it very hared to make the step out of the premisses.
like it is a strong big step in the separation process from Filo.
the part of me that is Filo.. is there and will be there as long as i am there.